英语论文网

this translation does exhibit a linear and therefore logical progression of events, the problem with the above translation is that its ideas don’t seem to work with one another, but instead stand independent of each other. It seems that with every sentence the author is starting over. Each sentence presents an idea, but fails to point the reader to the central idea or theme; in other words, information is being presented, but in a way that is neither efficient, nor focused.
虽然上述的翻译着实流畅，也合乎事件的逻辑，不过最大的问题在于，段落的主题概念并未能环环相扣，仅只是彼此独立的句子。每一句话都像是重新开始，作者在每个句子中提出一个想法，但是却不能向读者指出核心概念或主轴。换句话说，作者交代了各个信息，但却无法在短时间内让读者快速的掌握重点。

The translator of the above was asked to redo the paragraph and on rewrite she came up with the below:
我们要求上述文章作者重新进行并改写段落如下：

In the aftermath of Typhoon Noul, local volunteers in Tainan’s East District took the initiative to help clean up Barclay Memorial Park. In this cleanup effort, more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike, worked together to remove downed trees and broken branches, restoring the park to its original state. Recognizing the volunteers’ efforts, East District Supervisor awarded the volunteers with a Certificate of Appreciation.
在红霞台风过后，台湾全省各地有许多小区公园，不仅落叶满地，树木倒塌的情况也相当严重，像台南市东区旁的巴克礼公园，风灾过后树木断裂严重，当地志工主动联络里长，志工们不论男女老少共动员了超过60人，群起响应清扫家园行动，志工的热心帮忙也得到里长赠与感谢状表达谢忱。

After the changes, we see the translation has a much better flow and structure to it. Right away the translation zeros in on the main focus of the report—the park in Tainan—and no longer divides the reader’s attention with other tangential information such as “many parks in Taiwan were affected”. Next, with the topic established, the translator goes on the flesh out the details with a description of who was there and what happened. Here the translator has expanded on her original translation of “local volunteers” to “more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike”. I believe the extra information, despite being more wordy, helps bring color to the description and does not detract from the overall flow of the report. Finally, the author finishes with a nice conclusion that describes the results of the volunteers’ actions—while wisely omitting the unnecessary information of how the volunteers got in contact with the east district supervisor.
我们可以看到，修正过后的译文，句构更加完整也更为流畅。首先，作者将文章焦点集中于「台南市的巴克礼公园」，而且也不再把读者的注意力分散至其他离题的讯息，如「台湾全省各地有许多小区公园，不仅落叶满地，树木倒塌的情况也相当严重」。当主题确立后，作者接下来详述其细节，像是谁在那里、发生了什么事。同时又在原本的「当地志工」扩大概念为「志工们不论男女老少共动员了超过60人」。如此一来，即便多了几个字，却为整体文章更添生色，也丝毫未损其流畅度。最后，作者做出一个漂亮总结，加以叙述志工的热心帮忙得到里长赠与感谢状的美好结果，而有技巧地忽略志工是如何联系台南市东区里长的无谓信息。

Overall, we see that in this version there are no wasted sentences or ideas. Each sentence is connected to the previous one in a clear sequence, with all sentences pointing to the main topic. Therefore the next time you are writing or translating, try to ask yourself:
整体而言，改写后的版本没有浪费的句子或想法。每一句都能前后链接，并且与主题相互呼应。因此，如果下次您也想尝试写作或翻译，试试问一问自己：

“What is the point of this sentence/paragraph?”
段落或句子的重点为何？

“Do I really need this information?”
我是否真的需要这些信息？

“Will this information sharpen or dull my message to my readers?”
当我写出这些字句时，是让读者更明白我所传达的讯息，还是弄巧成拙地更混乱读者的思绪？

Questions like this will help ensure that your translation or original work captures your reader’s attention and, just as importantly, keeps him or her reading till the end.
检视这些问题将帮助